Table for one

So like, Valentine's Day is this Friday the 14th. Big whoop. No just kidding I am not MAD or bitter about the day of love fiends, commercials reminding me of the day, stuffed animals crowding the aisles at Rite Aid, chocolate that screams "BE MINE!" when I have no significant other to give it to, nope I'm not bitter about it! But seriously I am not really mad per se just a little, blah. I mean it's the media that gets you worked up and overwhelmed like you SHOULD or OUGHT to be celebrating. This year I'm really more pressed about other things versus one single (being the operative word) Valentine's Day that makes me feel like an alien. And come to think of it everyday should be filled with it, love. Yes I know it's a special kind of day that is celebrated by many yearly so I guess it's cool. The little baby sporting angel wings in a diaper: Cupid, will on the 14th be hitting a few with his arrow for those getting married, new lovers, some reuniting together again. Proposals will be made and possibly a baby, who knows!

The only issue about this particular Valentine's Day I have that makes me give a side eye is the single discrimination I feel. I have made it a point this week to steer clear of social media to avoid the statuses or photos of what roses someone got or a teddy bear delivered to them at work. It's not that I necessarily envy those people nor am I "hating," but it might feel a bit too in my face or like I'm left out of some V.I.P club. I mean if I decided to go to my favorite bar or perhaps wanted a nice dinner out to myself, would I be gawked at like I'm spinning plates or something?

Probably. In fact I went out alone about three years ago to Olive Garden after a day out downtown shopping. I was asked on more than one occasion if I was by myself as if it were foreign or against the law. But there's no room for a singles date night out on Valentine's Day, is there? I mean the tables will be booked even the bar. "Table for one!" I'll say to the host and the gawking will begin. Who cares you're thinking right? True, it shouldn't matter if I were to go alone it's on me, the check, tip and all. I won't have to suffer at that awkward moment for who's paying the bill if it were a first date. *sighs* Date. I haven't been on one since last summer of 2013. Alright, you can stop gasping now or making the big eyes, I get it!

But the more I think about this upcoming Valentine's Day a few days away I have to wonder, where IS the love? At one point I was searching for it, then the search got delayed, began again, then I feel like I just forgot what I was even looking for, and here I am. I keep thinking, "Is it a new relationship with someone that I need?" I mean I don't even know what void I am trying to fill. Of course some days I feel like something is missing in my life. It can vary between wanting a fresh and new career, wanting to go shopping for a new look, or to the burning questions of where my greatest love is. Am I missing something?

Maybe, just maybe the missing link is ME and believing in what I can do, all of my capabilities, not second guessing. I have to love me a bit more, love me and all of my worth, not worried if the next crush feels the same way or if anyone is taking notice in me. Sometimes I do feel hidden but I know I have every reason to be seen. Like an on and off relationship I feel complicated. Though a love for myself doesn't have to be. I am special, I am full with love to give and receive, reciprocal loving. Always.

"Table for one?" Yup, sometimes you have to sit alone and figure stuff out before you invite others to join you.

*Lish
The BCB